


Into Dust.

by rubyrosettared



Category: Being Human (UK)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 20:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7860028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyrosettared/pseuds/rubyrosettared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mitchell and Lucy and consequences. Mitchell's thoughts. Originally written in 2011. A short one shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into Dust.

**Into Dust.**

You were the beginning of the end. I realise that now.

You intrigued me. From the moment I looked into your brown eyes, listened those first words out of your treacherous mouth, I was already losing everything.

You tied me up in knots, every time I tried to talk to you; it came out stupid, wrong or just plain idiotic. I thought that I possessed some charm, I know it’s worked for me in the past, some might say effortlessly but around you I crashed and I burned spectacularly. Around you I tripped over my feet like a teenage boy and it’s been a long time since I was one of those. I wanted you to like me, I wanted you to look like you gave a fuck but I found out that you while I thought you did, you were an even better liar.

I wanted just a taste of your attention, I wanted your smile to be directed at me and mean something. There was so much that I wanted but in the end all it got me was pain, tearing, ravaging never ending pain.

Oh and let’s not forget the catastrophe of afterwards.

* * *

 

I needed you. I’ve never needed anyone for such a long time. I remember needing another person, another soul to see the good in me, to see if there was anything decent left in me and she told me over and over that she could see him, she could see the good soul and that she loved both the good soul and the demon equally. I think for the first time I experienced that pure flush of love. Someone believed in _me_ , John Mitchell.  You never met her but she was a rarity and my God I miss her so much.

I’d hoped that in you I’d find that again, I so wanted to. I wanted that connection, that _knowing_ , I just wanted to feel something remotely normal. I thought I’d found that in you. I misjudged you so badly didn’t i?

I can’t believe how badly I misjudged you.

There were other forces at work here, other influences. You fought against how you felt about me and how you were supposed to feel about me. You hoped that praying in the hospital chapel would help; you thought that God would have the answers.  He didn’t, not the ones you were hoping for anyway. After you murdered, you obliterated, you still came back to me. What were you hoping for then? For me to fall to my knees and swear undying devotion?

* * *

 

_Do you have any IDEA what you’ve done to me? What you’ve started?_

I just…let go. The moment that I discovered your role in the explosion at the funeral parlour, it just ceased to matter. Your version of Humanity didn’t care about me, your version of humanity tried to destroy me in the name of God, in religion, in the name of evil. You didn’t know me at all, you didn’t want to or someone close to you didn’t want you to see the shades of grey. That someone close only saw black and white and nothing else mattered to him.

Did you try to see those shades of grey? Maybe you did but by then it was too late, twenty innocent souls too late.

I have their blood on my hands; I have their blood in me. I destroyed twenty lives, twenty more on top of that and all because humanity had kicked me in the teeth for one last time. I remember what I did, I remember the frenzy, absorbing their terror, their adrenaline and feeding from that too. During that time I felt righteous, I felt invincible and I felt _justified_.

I want you to know that with every life that I took, I had your face in my mind. With each life that I annihilated, I pretended that it was you.

But it didn’t make me feel better. I even had hard, noisy _animal_ sex with Daisy, anything to get your face out of my head, to get the taste of you out of my mouth. That didn’t work either because you were still there, like a fucking malevolent shadow.

* * *

 

Before you, I existed; I had a life such as it was. I shared a pink house with two house mates; we lived our lives, paid our bills, got along with the neighbours. Nobody knew what we were, we weren’t hurting anybody. But you decided otherwise, you and your deluded so called man of God. Between you both, you took away everything that mattered to me, my humanity, my pride, my sense of self- worth but most of all you took away Annie.

What was it about you exactly? I still don’t know for sure. I told myself that you came along at a vulnerable part of my life. At my angriest, I told myself that it had to be that because otherwise I would never have looked at you once never mind twice. At my weakest, I remember sleeping with you, I remember the chemistry and you can never, ever deny that we didn’t have any chemistry between the sheets because we did. That’s when it hurts the most because afterwards I thought that maybe we had a chance, a shot at a future when in reality you were plotting my downfall, my murder. How could I have been so… _wrong_ about you Lucy? That’s when the pain argues with the indignity of it and the pain always wins.

I stood outside of the chapel and I listened to the chaplain berate me about you. I listened to him scream at me to leave you alone. He doesn’t know what you did to me; he has no idea of what you reduced me to. He wants to save me or so he says. Doesn’t he know that I’m way beyond _any_ kind of redemption?

* * *

 

I am ashes.

They caught up to me. Months of paranoia, of guilt and self- hatred have finally caught up with me. I can see no way out of it. I wanted redemption, maybe even a touch of forgiveness from those who truly matter to me but most of all I want peace. I’m tired of this existence, of this excuse of a life.

There is talk of love, of people loving me but it feels like too little far too late. Maybe if I’d been aware of it earlier, before you maybe the circumstances would’ve been different. Maybe I would never have done what I did. I don’t know. You told me once, it’s my world, it’s in every cell and I just can’t change. Maybe you were right all along.

I look into George’s tear streaked eyes. He doesn’t want to do this but I see the resignation on his face.

I need him to save me.  


End file.
